Thu, 07 May 2026 17:39:40 -0700WeeblyThu, 27 Oct 2022 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.nathanielhicksvoll.com/blog/juncos-on-mount-trashmoreThe juncos return to Mount Trashmore as winter introduces itself in wispy breaths. So much for October.

Tonight’s sunset is a toddler's crayon drawing, beautiful in its streaky disregard for form. A true chaos.

I run into Al, who tells me that a neighbour—the young one with the big arms and the kind smile, whose name I do not know—has died. What was his name again? I ask. Al doesn’t know either.

A sliver of moon wanes beyond the clouds, close enough to the sunset that it earns a little attention. I consider what Kiera told me about new moons and new beginnings. What will come of this one?

Behind me, the sky blushes lavender over the downtown core. A dusk ring, Ben calls it: the slow fade of tinted night which counters the sun as it falls. An unsung beauty.

The city’s autumn colors have gone burgundy, brown and burnt yellow. The insects have nearly stopped their trying, and even the highway is quieter.

Perhaps I'll go home and make a drawing out of crayons. Or tell Kiera my thoughts about the moon. Or knock on every neighbour’s door until someone, anyone please, can tell me the name of the man who died.

Or perhaps I'll create something, something beautiful, and never share it.

But for now, as the juncos twist and swoop, I perch on the fence between two worlds: the sunset warm on my face, the cool night rolling up to meet me. ]]>Wed, 17 Aug 2022 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.nathanielhicksvoll.com/blog/to-be-a-sparrow​The sparrow peered up at me from the under-bush of a front yard in my suburb, sized me up in the span of a wingbeat, and chittered away.
 
Humans, we believe, are the only creatures with the capacity for sentience, to have a true understanding of self in relation to the world. How bold. This is perhaps linked to how we’ve become the most dominant life forms in the history of this planet. For many of us, our basic needs will always be met as a given. Food, shelter, water, health, family connections – all basic needs which I rarely consider on the day-to-day. Again, I know these aren’t a given for everyone.
 
But even though I can count on these foundational necessities, I often struggle with happiness. I bet many of us do.
 
Conversely, animals in the wild are always on high alert for danger, opportunity, and connection. But are they happy? If these “non-thinking” creatures are living right on the knife’s edge of survival—in trepidation, immediacy, and a simple kind of freedom—then how can they be happier than zoo animals? What are the conditions in the wild which promote reproduction in pandas, but which are lacking in zoo environments? I think we might be missing something.
 
As I walk my neighbourhood in safety, unconcerned by threats of predators or the details of my next meal, I too am living in a perpetual state of stress. But unlike the sparrow, my stress comes from levels of Maslow's hierarchy approaching self-actualization! How dare I complain? I eat hot meals, sleep in a warm bed and drink water from a tap. Yet I fear that I will miss a deadline, will not make art in the right way, will not have meaningful friendships and loving relationships, and that I will die and be forgotten.
 
So as I walk, I force myself to slow, to glimpse the shadows undulating through the leafy treetops, and to consider that I am fundamentally safe in this place. And so, I become a sparrow.
 
I am a sparrow, if only for these 30 minutes of the day which are unencumbered by emails, anxiety, and the boredom that only arrives when the most important things are assumed. For as a sparrow, I am animal, I am not planning for the future, I am seeing the world in all its colours and details. And unlike a caged bird, I am free.]]>